


21 years, Later

by abluenite



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-05 22:35:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17333657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abluenite/pseuds/abluenite
Summary: Takes place 21 years after Elio and Oliver first meet. (Timeline from 1983-2004)Elio's life is finally falling into place with success with his career, his family and his personal life. That is until he sees Oliver again and remembers what drew him in all those years ago.Set in NYC in 2004I do not own Call Me By Your Name or any of the characters.Please don't repost my work anywhere!





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> I haven't written in any fandom for some time now and I'm excited to be getting my feet back into it. I hope you like it. Please don't hesitate to give feedback.

September 5, 2003

Hi Oliver,

It was great seeing you last month, if only for a day. I’m glad we got a chance to catch up. Julian was disappointed to have just missed you. He wanted to finally meet you. I talk about you so much. *smile* How is the new term going for you? I just met my freshman class of students studying abroad and a few of them studied at Columbia. I told them I had a good friend there who is a Philosophy professor. One of them knew you. She seemed very smitten with you.

Anyhow, I just wanted to check it with you to see how you are doing. Speak to you soon.

-Elio

 

* * *

 

September 18th, 2003

Elio!

Yes, it was so great getting to see you again! I’m already missing you and that beautiful villa. *wink* I wish I could have stayed at least one more day. Just to walk the ground with you and lay out in the sun and forget about everything. It would have been fantastic. My new term is going well. I have a lot of progressive students it seems. I love hearing their view on things, especially with all that is going on in the world. They keep me on my toes and I love it. I hope you are well! Give your mother my love and say hello to Julian for me.

-Oliver

* * *

 

 

November 4, 2003

Hi Oliver,

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve last emailed you. The semester is picking up and everything is coming so quickly. Some of the curriculum has changed and somehow, I assigned a huge paper before the break. What was I thinking? I love what I do though. No complaints here. I’ll keep you updated. Speak to you soon.

-Elio

P. S.

Any plans for the winter break? I’ll be going to the villa of course for Hanukah and to enjoy the snow. Wish you could be there.

 

* * *

 

December 15, 2003

Elio,

I’ll be spending Hanukah alone this year. Julia and the boys are going to visit her side of the family and I’ll be here preparing a special project for the spring semester. It’s kind of a last-minute thing and with me being the head of my department, it’s something I needed to complete. Don’t worry though. I know what you’re thinking. I’ll be okay. I’ll give you a call around then. Speak to you soon Elio.

-Oliver

 

* * *

 

January 4, 2004

Hey Oliver,

Happy New Year! I’m sorry to hear you spent the holidays alone. I tried to call you on Hanukkah but didn’t get an answer. I left a message. I figured you were probably busy with everything couldn’t get to the phone. I hope that project turned out alright. I’m surprised I even survived last term with all the extra work I put on myself. It turned out well for all involved so I’m grateful for that.

How are you doing otherwise? I just got back from visiting the villa with my mother and Julian and we had a great time. I have some very exciting news. I’m being considered for a position at my Alma Mater, New York University, in the French Department. I’ve been thinking for a while now how great it would be to go back to my old college stomping grounds. I also wanted to try my hand at performing again. I can’t let my Julliard education go to waste now, can I? *smile* I’ll let you know once I get everything finalized. I’m going to stay at the townhouse my family owns in the East Village. I think you remember it right? It’s near Washington Square Park. I can’t wait to see it again and absorb the city life. I miss it so much. I mean I love it here in Paris, but nothing can compare to New York City.

I’ll speak to you soon.

-Elio

 

* * *

 

Oliver looked over the email and smiled to himself as he realized how happy Elio seemed. If only he knew the truth of everything. Oliver sat in his chair in his office of the Philosophy department. He was at work another late night, but did it even matter? He couldn’t go home. He hadn’t been home. It had been two weeks since he’s lived with someone familiar. Oliver shook his head again and place his hands over his face and scrubbed it. He had been waiting for an email about faculty housing and in the meantime was staying at a local hotel. A very expensive local hotel. Oliver didn’t want to think back to what happened that landed him where he was. All he could do was think back to his last counseling session with Julia. He couldn’t believe how quickly it all went wrong.

 

_1 month prior_

“Alright Julia, I want to give the floor to Oliver. I want him to respond to your question.”

Julia sighed loudly and shook her head. She was disgusted. She had been asking Oliver this question for the past three sessions and he refused to answer. It just led them to a huge argument that neither wanted to back down from.

“I’m not going to answer that Dr. Roberts. I’m not.”

“You see Dr. Roberts! How can we move forward if he keeps avoiding the question? He keeps avoiding what I believe to be the reason to why we are in here in the first place. Oliver needs to admit this to me, so I can move on. So we can move on.”

“I’m not admitting anything because you’re just going by assumptions Julia. You have no facts whatsoever on this subject and just are accusing me of something because of some failure within yourself.” Oliver folded his arms in front of him and turned his head away from her.

“My failure!” She responded back raising her voice. “I didn’t do a damn thing Oliver. You’re the one keeping something like this from me and denying it’s the truth because you want to save face.”

“Julia, please,” Dr. Roberts calmly interjected trying to ease the situation. “We need to be calm and not accuse one another of things.”

“So what? You’re on his side now? You think what he did is appropriate? You think it was right for him to keep that from his wife? His wife of nearly 20 years?”

“Julia I am not taking sides with anyone. I’m trying to bring him over to you, so you both can talk this out. You accusing him is not helping the situation. You both need to find a common ground.”

“What common ground Dr. Roberts? I confronted him, and he denied everything even though I had proof. He then brought me here to counseling to try to make me seem like I’m the crazy irrational one in the relationship. He kept something very important from me. Something I should have known 20 years ago. Before we got married. Before we had our sons. Not now and especially not during the holidays and when we have one son going off to college and another in high school. I don’t want them to have a broken family,” she spoke softly as her voice broke, and her eyes began to well up.

“Julia,” Oliver whispered when he heard her voice cut off. “I’m sorry Julia. This isn’t what I wanted for us. This isn’t what I wanted for our family.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me,” Julia turned to him. “Why did I have to find it in your papers. In your old planner from years ago when I was cleaning out your office. Why?”

Oliver shook his head and ran a hand through his hair and blinked hard. What was he going to tell her? He didn’t even know the answer to that. He didn’t even know why he kept those planners and letters so long. Oliver never even mailed them out. He didn’t have any use for them.

“I don’t know Julia. I had honestly forgotten about them.”

“How did you forget? You don’t just stop feeling that way. And when I think about it and look back so many doubts I had make sense. Those colleagues you became close to. That family you stayed with when you were a doctoral student? The fact that I met them and you had some connection to the house and their son? The son I never met but you’ve kept up with ever since then? What is this?”

“It’s not what you think, especially with my colleagues. Nothing has ever happened Julia.”

“But you’d go out for drinks with them and I couldn’t reach you.”

“As colleagues!” Oliver shouted and almost stood up, but then lowered himself back down into the chair and apologized to Dr. Roberts.

“How do I know what you were thinking or wanting to do?”

“I didn’t do anything. I had drinks and came home.”

“Well what about, Edward? Ethan?” Julia sounded confused not remembering his name.

“Elio,” he breathed looking down.

“Yes him. What about him?”

Oliver was stopped in his tracks thinking about Elio. What about Elio? He had seen him in the summer and he was just so happy to see him again. He couldn’t believe it had been 20 years since he first met him. Elio was a boy then, but now he was a man. No more just arms and legs, but a man who filled out, who grew a beard, who had a successful career and a partner he seemed to love. There was no chance for Oliver. Elio had moved on finally. Oliver had left him so long along and had this long relationship with this woman who he shared a life with. A woman he still loved even though some part of him still desired to be with a man. Not any man, but Elio. He still loved him and he knew Elio still felt something too. It was too late though. Elio was happy with Julian and Oliver was married.

“There’s nothing. I told you we had some sort of relationship during that summer I was there, but it was all over by the time you and I reconnected when I got back. I proposed to you and married you. I built my life with you. I had two beautiful boys with you. I love you and I’m giving you all of me. What else do you want Julia?”

Oliver’s eyes welled up as he spoke to his wife. Part of what he said was true; he did do all those things with her and loved her, but he wasn’t giving her all of him. He couldn’t. Part of him always belonged to Elio, even if he’d never get to be with him again.

“I don’t believe you Oliver. You never even told me about what happened that summer until I found the letters. I didn’t even know you,” she stuttered as she lowered her voice, “were attracted to men. That’s something you should have told me at the beginning.”

“Would you have rejected me?” Oliver cut his eyes toward her. He didn’t mean to sound so cocky or sarcastic or whatever he sounded like. He didn’t bring it up often but he remembered Julia and her family practically begging him to marry her because she felt like she was so old at 24 not being serious or engaged. Her family was all about appearances and Oliver looked good for her. Oliver’s head was still buried in Elio when he got back home back then, and he couldn’t even think straight when his parents suggested he ask her to marry him. They even bought the ring for him to give to her. Oliver could barely function, but he knew his family would never accept him if he’d had come out anything other than straight and Jewish. It was a nightmare, but he swallowed his feelings and gave everyone else what they wanted. And for 20 years he did what was expected of him. Sure he had those feelings bubble up when he’d find something else out about Elio from Mr. Perlman over the years. When Oliver saw Elio again a few years back and had a drink with him, he could hardly contain himself around him. He did though. He never did anything. And those drinks with colleagues were friendly. He wasn’t attracted to them. He wouldn’t allow it because he didn’t want to break up his family, but mostly because of Elio. Oliver told himself the only man that could take him was the one who already had him, and that was Elio. That was impossible now anyway with Elio seemingly to have finally found a long-term relationship with Julian. Oliver hated thinking about it, but it was the truth.

Julia looked at him and scrunched her face. She was angry. He knew it even though Julia didn’t get mad often. He felt it.

“Oliver Frank. I want a divorce!”

With that sentence Julia stood up and left the room, letting the door close behind her. Oliver dropped his head into his hands and began to cry. Dr. Roberts tried to calm him and called his secretary to try to intercept Julia. Julia had gotten out of the building before she could.

 

* * *

 

From that day forward Oliver stayed at his family’s house and when the questions became too much, he moved temporarily into a nearby hotel.

You Got Mail

Oliver’s computer binged, and he saw the message.

“Finally,” he breathed.

 

To Whom It May Concern:

Oliver Frank, you have been approved for faculty housing located on Amsterdam Ave. You are approved for a two-bedroom apartment to accommodate yourself and your two sons. All follow up documentation must be filled out and received before Thursday 1/15/04, in preparation for the new term beginning on Monday 1/26/04. Move in date is Friday 1/23/04. If you have any further questions please contact the student and faculty housing correspondent, Melissa Maylor at 212-555-1243 ext. 459.

Thank you,

Thomas Richards  
Attachments

 

Oliver printed out the forms and then closed out his email account and then his computer. He watched the screen saver come on and bounce around before he put the papers in his briefcase. Oliver put anything loose on his desk away and got up to leave his office. After locking his office door, he walked out the department and through the main lobby of the college building. When he hit the street, he hailed a cab and was soon on his way to his temporary home. This had to get better, he told himself as he settled in the car’s backseat. This had to resolve itself.


	2. Chapter 1

Elio arrived a week before the Fall 2004 term began and it was just enough time for him to settle into the townhouse. He had been handling the rental from a few graduate students at NYU who resided in the town home that past academic year. It was lucky for Elio that both students were graduating and taking positions out of state. He had arranged for the place to be cleaned and the furnishings changed and waiting for his arrival. Elio only brought two suitcases of belongings, most of his books having been sent weeks ahead of time. When he entered the home, he spotted the boxes piled in the living room. The house was two floors with two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs and the kitchen, living/dining room, guest bedroom and full bathroom downstairs. Elio brought his bags into the house and took them upstairs. He would be inhabiting the larger of the bedrooms.

 

The room was made up with the new linen he had ordered and tasteful recreations of his favorite paintings hanging on the walls. He also had some placed around the rest of the home. His favorite, one of Monet’s Berm, hang closest to his eyeline when lying in bed. He had that picture framed and in the same position in every house he lived in. It was a nice reminder of a past he couldn’t forget. Elio adored it.

 

The light-colored curtains were opaque and allowed natural light to flood the room. Elio pulled open a window to change the air in the room. Somehow, he missed the sound and smell of the city and wanted to enjoy it a bit while he unpacked. A tall dark colored wood dresser stood in front of his bed that he filled with his clothes. The dresser with the mirror on it he laid his watches and sunglasses. His toiletries he placed in a drawer in the upstairs bathroom. He opened that window as well to air that space out.

 

Elio made his way downstairs after he was done and decided to inspect the kitchen. There was a service that brought food by earlier that day so all he needed to do was decide what to make. He couldn’t remember the last time he ate but his stomach reminded him it was time.  As he pulled out some ingredients to make a sandwich, his cell phone rang.

 

“Where is that thing,” he said to himself as he wiped his hands on his pants. The phone rang steadily as he walked into the living room searching for his bag. The familiar ringtone of a Nokia phone continued and became louder as he approached his bag.

 

_Oliver Frank_

“Hey Oliver, how are you?” Elio spoke after he picked up the phone and hit the answer call button.

“I’m fine Elio. How are you? Are you here in New York?”

“I’m great and yes I am. I arrived about an hour ago. I’m fixing myself something to eat. What are you up to?”

“Oh, I’m between meetings,” Oliver smiled into the receiver. “I’m looking over my final rosters.”

“That’s great. I haven’t even opened my emails yet to see those. I somehow managed to be assigned to a 7:00am Freshman French class. My luck is so infinite,” he laughed.

“That sounds amazing,” Oliver laughed back.

“But seriously I function much better early in the morning and I love the intro classes. It’s a little less rigid and I can have some fun with them.”

“Very true Elio. Very true.”

 

Both men paused on the phone as they listened to the other through the receiver.

“So, Oliver. Are you busy tonight? Why don’t we grab some dinner? Or if you are busy, we can make plans for the weekend. I would love to see your campus.”

“Oh,” Oliver responded. He had been anticipating Elio’s arrival and their eventual reunion. The thought of seeing him again made his palms sweat.

“I’m waiting for a call from one of my colleagues so I’m not sure yet. It feels like they want to keep me here late,” Oliver tried to laugh as he responded.

“I bet Julia would be so thrilled having you work late on a week night,” Elio laughed. Oliver suddenly coughed and ran his fingers through his hair. How was he going to tell Elio the truth? Oliver himself was still having trouble adjusting to the new apartment and his younger son’s cold demeanor when he had him over.

 

“Um, she won’t give me any trouble,” Oliver replied instead of with the truth. “She’s used to the late nights at the beginning of a new term.”

“You are one lucky guy Oliver. Julian hated when I had to stay late at work. He always had plans with me and hated breaking them.”

“How is he handling the long distance?” Oliver changed the subject willingly to Elio’s relationship problems.

“About that, “Elio paused. “We actually decided to stop seeing each other. The long distance would be too much for us to maintain. But we’re still good friends.” Elio ended the sentence on a high note hopefully conveying to Oliver that he was okay with it all.

“I’m so sorry Elio. I know you two were together for a while. It can’t be easy to break up.”

“We talked about it at length actually. It was why I finally decided to take a position back in the states.”

“Oh?” Oliver responded shifting in his chair. What was he hearing?

“Yeah, I mean, I do care for Julian. I love him, but things have been changing between us and I think we are better at being friends than lovers. He respected my honesty, so I know at the end of the day I still have that friendship.” Elio let out a sigh after explaining himself. He wasn’t being completely truthful about the situation. Yes, things were changing between him and Julian, but the reason why was much more complicated. Elio wasn’t even sure of the whole truth himself.

“Well I’m here for you if you want to talk or anything Elio.”

“Thanks Oliver. I appreciate that.”

Suddenly Oliver’s computer binged signaling a new email. It was from his colleague. He quickly scanned before smiling to himself.

“Elio?”

“Yes Oliver?”

“Maybe I can see you tonight after all. Looks like my colleague sent over what I needed, and I don’t have to meet with them tonight. How about we meet after I’m off?”

Elio was happy to hear that he would be able to see Oliver tonight and began to feel a little nervous. He hoped it didn’t reflect in his voice.

“That sounds great Oliver. But something quick though. I don’t want you out late. I wouldn’t want the missus hating me before ever had met me,” Elio laughed nervously.

“Trust me. She’s fine with it.” Oliver faced palmed but continued. “I wasn’t able to do my normal run this morning and I’ve been cooped up inside all day. I need to get out of here and walk around a bit and I would honestly love to see you. It’s still very nice out and Low Plaza is very inviting. It looks great out there.”

“That sounds great. I would love to see you as well.”

“Great because I want to see my old friend again. Last year seems so long ago to have seen you last.”

“It does feel like forever ago,” Elio chuckled as he ran his hands through his curls.

“How does 6 sound? In front of Low Library?”

“That sounds like a date, I mean,” Elio pulled on a curl before recovering. “I’ll see you at 6.”

“Alright I’ll see you then.”

 

Elio ended the call and laid his cell phone on the table. He searched for the charger to plug it in. It had been a few days since he charged it and he didn’t want to forget. After plugging in the phone Elio made his way back into the kitchen and finished making his sandwich.

 

Elio hopped out the shower around 4:30 and wrapped the towel around his waist. He stared at himself in the mirror.

 

“What a handsome fellow,” he joked and smiled as he ran a towel through his very curly hair. Elio thought about a haircut but remembered how much Oliver enjoyed his curls. It was something he mentioned during the summer when he first greeted him.

 

_“Still with those curls I see,”_ he had told Elio with a smile. It felt like Oliver was tempted to run his hand through them, but Oliver wasn’t allowed to do that anymore.

 

Elio applied some lotion to his face and then some product to his hair. He took his brush and ran it lightly over his short beard. He looked at his reflection and his father was staring back at him. Elio wondered when that started to happen.

 

Elio got dressed in a light blue fitted t-shirt and dark blue shorts. After slipping on his shoes he jogged down the stairs and collected his bag, phone and keys. He tried not to notice how hard his heart was beating but he was excited. It had been a year since he last saw Oliver. How did he ever managed before when it was years since he had seen him?

 

Elio flagged a cab and gave the driver his destination. While he was in the cab, he couldn’t help but fiddle with his fingers and try to think of anything else besides how he hoped he didn’t throw up or get a nosebleed from the excitement. That hadn’t happened in years. Elio was much more capable of handling his emotions now having had more life experience. But it seemed Oliver was always different. He always made Elio’s heart skip a beat just thinking about him. It was amazing that Oliver could still do that to him after all these years.

 

Traffic was light, and Elio made it uptown in 20 minutes. He paid the fare and got out the cab right in front of the gates to where the entrance of the plaza was. Elio walked along the cement plaza and shortly found on one side of him the large lawn where there were sunbathers, students and small children running about. It reminded him a bit of Sheep’s Meadow in Central Park; another one of his favorite places to hang out. On the other side was the massive stairs leading up to the Low Library. There were two fountains on either side of the stairs that bubbled and splashed as Elio approached them. Elio decided to take a seat on some stairs in front of him and pulled out a book he had started on the plane.

 

“When have I ever seen you without a book?” a deep voice spoke that made Elio look up. In front of him stood a tall man with dirty blonde hair slicked back, a button up long-sleeved blue shirt pushed up at the elbows, and khaki pants. His bag was slung over his shoulder.

 

“Billowy?” Elio whispered to himself confused because that shirt still was in his possession, as he looked up over the book. “Oliver?”

 

“Elio!” He smiled, and Elio stood up from his seat and kissed his cheeks before pulling him into an embrace.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Elio stuttered pulling back. “We’re not in Paris,” he laughed to himself, but Oliver just shook his head and smiled.

 

“It’s alright, it’s alright. I’m glad to see you too.” Oliver pulled him back into a fierce hug for a few seconds before letting go.

 

“You look very much like a professor,” Elio commented as he looked Oliver up and down. He barely could conceal his hot cheeks with the book he was still holding.

 

“Well you look like you could be laying on the lawn over there finishing up that book. You look amazing!” Oliver began.

 

“It must be all the fun I had in France. It kept me young.”

 

Oliver smiled again, and he patted Elio’s shoulder. “I think you’re right.”

 

The pair began walking toward the entrance Elio just came through and headed toward a café that staff and students alike frequent. When they arrived, Oliver pulled the door open and held it for Elio. Oliver stared at him as he walked by and gave him a small smile. His heart rate sped up as he witnessed a part of his heart walking right in front of him. Elio looked over his shoulder and smiled widely at him and Oliver nearly tripped on his own two feet. Oliver never forgot those hazel eyes he’d get lost in when they were together, or those full curls he ran his hands through when he had Elio in his arms. This was all too much. It was amazing that he still remembered everything after so much time, but still it was too much.

 

Elio asked Oliver what he wanted and then ordered two expressos to go. Oliver took his cup and the pair left the shop to return to the lawn in Low Plaza. It was still a bit crowded even late into the evening, so they took a seat on a bench nearby.

 

“How do you like it?” Oliver asked as he sipped.

 

“It’s very good. Reminds me of the villa a little bit.”

 

“It’s that good?”

 

“Good enough,” Elio smiled, “but it does remind me of breakfast with my parents.” And that one summer he spent with Oliver, but he kept that remark to himself.

 

The pair continued to sip their coffee and converse. People flitted around them, but it didn’t affect their conversations. They both were able to just tune into the other, listening and absorbing the other. They truly enjoyed the other’s company.

 

It was nearly 8 when the pair finished talking, having finished their espressos so long ago. They both got up from the bench and slowly walked toward the gate. Elio slipped his hands into his pockets before turning to Oliver.

 

“I’m really glad I’m back here and that we get to spend more time together. I don’t know what happened last summer, but seeing you again just reminded me that there’s a part of my life I miss. A part that I wished was different.”

 

Oliver turned to him and shook his head before looking down. If only Elio knew the entire story. Oliver felt the same way. He wanted to spend more time with Elio and maybe even see if something could develop from their friendship. They were both single. Oliver was getting ahead of himself. His divorce wasn’t even final yet and Elio just got out of a long-term relationship. Plus, Oliver needed to tell Elio he was getting a divorce and why. Even still, he didn’t know if Elio even wanted a relationship in general, even if it was with Oliver.  

 

“What?” Elio looked at him curiously.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Seriously Oliver?” Elio laughed at him. “Don’t embarrass me. I’m practically pouring my heart out to you that I want us to be friends again.”

 

Ouch! Oliver didn’t know that he didn’t considered them friends.

 

“I thought we were friends, Elio.”

 

“We are, I mean.” Elio stuttered. “I mean close friends who can actually see each other because they’re not separated by an ocean.”

 

Oliver recovered a little with a small laugh, but it still stung.

 

“Of course, Elio. We can do that. We can spend more time together and be actual friends.” Oliver teased him and gave him a playful tap on his arm.

 

“I was thinking we could get together between classes.  I’m not far downtown from here and we can have lunch together sometimes. Maybe even have dinner at each other’s houses.”

 

Oliver swallowed at that. Elio having dinner with his family? Julia would murder him on the spot, but it’s not like she’d agree to it anyway. She hated both of them, even though Elio didn’t do anything.

 

“Lunch on the great lawn sounds like a great idea. We can also get coffee from time to time and you can invite me over to that townhouse you keep boasting about. Do you have a piano? I would love to hear you play again.”

 

“Not at the townhouse, but I have access to one at work. Oliver, that would be great.” Elio imagined playing one of his new pieces he was working on, or maybe something old that would catch Oliver’s ears. Something that would make him think about their beginnings. What was he thinking? Was he entertaining the idea of trying to do something to entice a married man?

 

Elio stopped and looked at his watch. It was after 8 and in the morning he had to go into the office and start going through his emails. He had already picked out the textbooks and other required materials and had an idea where his office would be on campus. He needed to focus on that first before he could make any new plans.

 

“I have to get up early tomorrow, move into my office and go through my emails. It was really great seeing you.” Elio breathed out while looking at the floor. Why was he so shy to see Oliver’s face? He understood the life of a professor.

 

“You too Elio.” Oliver reached over and hugged him before stepping back and getting a good look at him again. Oliver smiled at how nervous he looked. What a cute son a gun he was.

 

“I’ll email you or call you to make some plans in the next few days.”

 

“That sounds great Elio. I’ll see you then.”

 

Oliver remained by Elio’s side while he hailed a cab, and watched him get in. Oliver didn’t like seeing him go but knowing he’d see him again made up for that. Oliver ran his hands through his hair contemplating what the next steps would be, while Elio settled into the backseat letting his head fall back. Elio smiled to himself as he realized this term was going to be much different than his others.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos on the last chapter. I'm just getting started. Thanks again!


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone! Thank you for reading and leaving wonderful kudos and comments. 
> 
> In this chapter there are some more mature themes featured; a love scene, the use of the word faggot, and mild drinking. I know the story is rated M but that hadn't really applied yet in the first few chapters. I don't want anyone blindsided just in case.
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Edit: Flashbacks are in italics. Thanks!

The next day Elio went off to work and met his new colleagues. He moved into his office, set up his professional email and got down to work. Two students dropped his class and four signed on. Elio scanned through the class syllabus and a made a few notes, before his cell phone interrupted his thought process.

 

“Hello?” Elio answered the phone without checking the caller ID.

“Elio? Bonjour c'est Julian. Comment vas-tu?”

“Julian!” Elio responded and stood up from his desk. “I’m great, how are you?” Elio closed the door to his office and sat back down to talk to him.

“I’m very good. I was anticipating your call yesterday but…”

“I’m so sorry,” Elio interrupted feeling horrible that he hadn’t called Julian yesterday. He was distracted by Oliver, but he couldn’t tell Julian that.

“It’s alright,” Julian responded. “Have you settled in?”

“I unpacked already and I’m at work setting up.”

“That’s good. Are you able to talk a little bit?”

“Sure,” Elio looked down at his watch. “I have some time.”

“Good. I just wanted to hear your voice Elio. It’s been a few weeks, you know, since I’ve seen you. I miss you.”

“I know,” Elio ran his hands through his hair, “I’m sorry. I miss you too Julian.”

 

_Elio started to reminisce in his head about the last time he saw Julian. They picked a weekend where they would be alone at the villa and could spend it as friends and the last time as lovers. They spent the mornings swimming in the pool, visiting the river and they drove to the nearby towns and walked around pretending to be tourists. Elio avoided all the spots he had been with Oliver especially since he was thinking about him even more than usual. After Elio decided to end it with Julian and got confirmation about his new job, all he could do was count down the days until he could see Oliver again._

_After they finished their lunch, they walked upstairs hand in hand, to Elio’s old room to relax. They took their time exploring the other, taking off their clothes slowly and looking into each other’s eyes. It was a somber moment, but they needed the closure so that they would be able to move on. Julian laid Elio down, never taking his eyes off him, and kissed every inch of his body. Elio responded to every touch and caress, moaning softly and pulling Julian closer._

_“Bijou, you make me feel so good,” Elio used his French pet name for Julian and praised him as he lay before him. “Take care of me,” he whispered._

_And Julian did. He took his time readying Elio’s body and slowly pressing into him. This would be his last time making love to Elio in this way, all wrapped up around him and inside of him. Hearing Elio’s breath catch as he climaxed led to Julian’s right after, and him softly biting into Elio’s neck._

_“Je t’aime, Elio.”_

_“Je t’aime, Julian.”_

_They recovered, laying in bed next to the other, running their fingers here and there. Lumps formed in both their throats as they realized this was it. Elio hated himself for bringing yet another person into his personal mess. This was his longest relationship and for a little while Elio thought it would be his last. But then Oliver showed up and all those old feelings returned, and everything became chaos._

_They ended that first night with Elio turning Julian on his stomach and taking him as hard and as fast as he could. They had their preferences and Julian loved when Elio took control. After their shower, Julian managed to put together a fruit and cheese platter, and a pitcher of cool water. They sat in bed eating and drinking, enjoying their last moments. Elio wanted to talk but what could he really say? He still felt bad. Julian kept quiet as well, trying to go with it. Trying to reassure Elio that he was okay with this and okay with losing the love of his life. Julian too felt that this was it for him, that Elio was going to be the last man he’d be with. It wasn’t true anymore and it hurt when Elio had first brought it up. They were doing so well and then something changed after seeing his old friend. Julian thought maybe Elio became inspired by some of Oliver’s work and when he saw him that maybe they discussed something. Elio had told him that he was starting to feel stifled in France and that maybe going back to his Alma Mater would afford him different opportunities. He wanted to compose music and perform again. Julian didn’t understand because Elio could do those things anywhere. Elio insisted he needed to go back to New York and work from there. He explained he had connections there through his former schools. Julian didn’t want to argue about it anymore, so he gave in. At the end of the day, he just wanted Elio to be happy._

_Their last day together they spent in bed just resting next to the other and sharing small meals. When it was their time to go home, they took a cab to the train station and boarded. They arrived in Paris after a few connecting trains but separated there. Julian held him close to him, willing himself not to cry while Elio did the same. They finally shared one last kiss before going their separate ways. Elio stayed in faculty residence near the university, while Julian stayed in the apartment they once shared. Then a few weeks later Elio was on his way to the states where his new life began._

 

“Elio? Are you still there?”  Julian’s voice brought Elio out of his daze.

“I am. I’m sorry. Just a little distracted by an email. How are you doing this term?”

“It’s great,” he began, a hint of sadness in his voice. “It’s not the same without you Elio. Some of your former students asked about you.”

“Tell them I’m doing okay and that they can contact me through the university if they like.”

“I did and I will.”

 

Julian paused and just listened to Elio breathe through the phone. The silence brought on the sadness, guilt and the memories of everything. Julian wanted to cry, and Elio felt like a terrible person in that moment.

 

“Do you think you’ll come back for the holidays? Come visit to see your mom?”

“I want to,” Elio spoke softly. “I don’t know if I will be able to though. I’m inquiring about giving lessons again and performing. Concerts are usually around that time. I might even have some auditions lined up as well. I really don’t know Julian. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. We can always revisit this later.”

“Sure.”

 

The pair continued discussing their workloads and any other small talk to fit in. They once always had so much to say to the other but now Elio was speechless, and Julian followed his lead.

 

“Okay Elio. I don’t want to keep you long. I’m having dinner with a few friends tonight and I need to get ready. Just wanted to know you were okay.”

“Okay Julian. Have a good time. I’ll speak to you soon.”

“Speak to you soon. Good bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Elio ended the call and laid his head on his desk. His stomach churned as the guilt flipped around in there and all the other bad feelings he was having. He hated himself in that moment at what he had done, and how much he had missed Julian. Why did he still feel this way about Oliver? Oliver wasn’t even available right now. The most he could establish with Oliver was a friendship. Would he be satisfied with that for the rest of his life? Would he be willing to forfeit any future serious relationships because he was waiting for Oliver? Because he was waiting for some unknown or unlikely event to occur that would put him and Oliver together? What was he even thinking?

 

Elio shook his head some more and tried to think of anything else besides his problems. That was when he heard a knock on the door.

 

“Come in,” he said as he lifted his head.

“Hello Professor Perlman,” the secretary spoke handing something to Elio. “This just came for you.”

“Thank you?” He looked at her asking for her name.

“It’s Helen.”

“Thank you, Helen.”

 

Elio took the envelope and saw it was from Julliard. He had requested an information packet to be sent to his office, a few days before he left Paris. He opened it and there was a folder titled “Performance Opportunities,” and inside that was information on different events happening throughout the city and how to audition for each one of them. Elio decided to bury his head in that for the rest of the afternoon.

 

By the time Elio had walked back to the townhouse after work, he had a short list in his head of the opportunities he’d audition for. He was playing music in his head when he walked into the house. As he put his keys in the bowl near the front door the phone rang. Elio looked at the caller ID before picking up.

 

“Hey Oliver,” Elio answered smiling to himself. His heart skipped a beat as he waited for the one person he couldn’t seem to get out his head today to reply.

“Hey Elio. What are you up to?”

“I just got home from work. How about you?”

“Same,” he answered as he looked around his empty apartment. He’d left work early because of an incident his younger son, Justin, had at school. Oliver was in a meeting with the principal, Julia and, Justin discussing the fight Justin got into earlier that morning. Some bully at school told Justin his father was a faggot. The meeting would have been manageable if both Oliver and Julia were on the same page.

 

_“Justin why did you start a fight with that boy?” Julia had asked him, staring directly at Justin and not acknowledging Oliver was even in the room._

_“He called dad a...” Justin looked down, his voice cracking. “He called dad a faggot.” Oliver’s heart crushed hearing those words._

_“What did I tell you about fighting Justin? You’re going to ruin your chances at a scholarship.”_

_“Mom, he insulted dad. What was I supposed to do?”_

_“There’s never a reason to fight Justin,” Julia looked up and glared at Oliver._

_“Why aren’t we addressing why this other student was running around saying words like that in school, much less to my son?” Oliver had interjected, trying to keep his own cool._

_“I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Cohen…”_

_“It’s Ms. Reynolds.” Julia cut him off._

_“Mr. Cohen and Ms. Reynolds, we have a no tolerance policy and this other boy, Roger Miller, will be talked to along with his parents. We don’t tolerate that type of behavior here.”_

_“I’m glad someone doesn’t tolerate it,” Oliver had murmured to himself._

_For a half an hour after the meeting, the principal let Oliver and Julia use his office where they full out argued. Oliver wanted to know why Julia wasn’t defending him; he was Justin’s father after all. Julia wanted to know how everyone knew Oliver was gay. Was he sleeping around town already? Oliver had to hold himself back at that remark. He asked her if she really thought he was that type of a man. Julia replied she didn’t know. She said all she could remember was all the filthy things Oliver had asked her to do in the bedroom, and that should have tipped her off. Oliver couldn’t even respond to that and just stormed out of the office and went straight to his apartment._

_He didn’t know what to do with his anger. He didn’t even know what to say to his son. Even though Justin had defended him at school, when they were alone he barely spoke to Oliver. Him and his older brother, Michael; who was away at college, kept quiet around Oliver. They didn’t want to understand why their father suddenly was gay and divorcing their mother. The divorce wasn’t even Oliver’s idea but every time he tried to bring that up Julia blamed him and said it was really his fault she had to ask for a divorce. Oliver had hated all of this and told her several times he’d be fine with staying married to her. He loved her. He had no desires to go elsewhere. Julia wouldn’t listen._

_Sure, he had feelings for Elio deep down somewhere, but he managed to keep those away for the last 21 years. He had no problem continuing to do it even if it cost him some happiness. Oliver had built a life with Julia and vowed to raise their family together. He was serious about that, even though thinking about it too long made him upset. What was he doing to himself?_

_It was horrible knowing someone he loved as much as he loved Elio was out there meeting new people and forming new relationships. Elio could fall in love and be with that other person forever. It scared Oliver thinking about it, but it was the truth. There was no reason for Elio to wait for Oliver. And now, even after all of this, Oliver still couldn’t bring himself to tell Elio the truth._

 

“How was your day?” Elio continued as he kicked off his shoes and took the cordless upstairs with him.

“Busy,” was all Oliver could get out.

“Same here. Julian called me,” Elio blurted out. He didn’t want to talk about Julian. Why did he say that? Nerves he guessed.

“Oh, how is he doing?” Oliver leaned back into his desk chair fearing that Elio would say something that would make him sick.

“The same. Just asking about my holiday plans. I’m not even thinking that far ahead. Plus, I want to audition for some of the performance opportunities at Julliard.”

 

“Oh,” Oliver perked up. “That sounds great. I really meant it that I’d love to hear you play again. I have a really nice memory of the last time I heard you.” And memories of everything else they did around him playing piano, and guitar and transcribing. Oliver couldn’t think straight for a moment.

 

“I would love for you to hear me. I think I’ve gotten better,” Elio laughed as he pulled his t-shirt over his head and put on a fresh one. “Why don’t you come down to NYU tomorrow and I can take you to the piano lab and play something for you.”

“That sounds great Elio. Let’s do that.”

 

Oliver needed the break from reality and just to enjoy the company of one of the few people that still liked him.

 

“I’ll make the appointment in the morning with the lab and then I’ll let you know.”

 

The pair finished up their call and Elio prepared to go for a run while Oliver thought about dinner. He preferred a drink instead honestly and decided to make himself one. At the end of the night he lay on his bed, having had one drink too many, with his head floating slightly. Oliver felt sleepy and just wanted the day to be over. With his last thoughts of Elio, he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> The French I used in this chapter is from Google Translate so I'm not sure if the right formal/informal is used. I took Spanish in highschool and studied French only recently. Thanks again.
> 
> Bonjour c'est: Hello this is...  
> Comment vas-tu: How are you  
> Bijou: jewel  
> Je t'aime: I love you


	4. Chapter 3

_Oliver inched back toward the bedpost and wrapped his arms tighter around Elio. Elio sat in his lap with his legs on either side of Oliver. He snuggled closer to Oliver’s bare chest and sighed in contentment. Oliver smiled to himself and left his fingers run up and down Elio’s spine._

_“How are you feeling?” Oliver asked softly._

_“Mm,” Elio began and turned his head to face upwards toward Oliver. “I’m good.”_

_“Just good?” Oliver chuckled in response._

_“I’m great,” he smiled. “You know that.” Elio continued to smile and then blinked slowly as he turned his head. Oliver let his hands travel lower and onto the soft skin of his bottom._

_“Mmmm,”_

_“You like that baby?” Elio nodded and Oliver let his fingers go lower and right onto the barrier to the inside of his body._

_“Ahh…” Elio breathed, and Oliver stopped his ministrations on the sensitive spot. After a few moments Elio responded, “I didn’t say to stop.”_

_Oliver smirked and continued circling with his fingers, making Elio pant._

_“Up for another round already?”_

_“No,” Elio whispered so softly Oliver almost didn’t hear him._

_“What do you want Elio?” Oliver spoke into his mess of curls on the top of his head. A few moments passed before Elio lifted his fingers and traced up Oliver’s side and to his shoulder. After tracing a small pattern there, he connected his fingers to Oliver’s mouth._

_“You want a kiss?” Oliver grinned, but Elio shook his head and continued moving his fingers. He traced Oliver’s mouth before Oliver opened it and licked Elio’s fingers._

_“You want my tongue Elio?”_

_“I want your tongue,” Elio responded in a soft voice._

_“Where do you want my tongue Elio?” Elio looked up and into those deep blue eyes that mesmerized him from the beginning. He placed his hand behind his back and onto Oliver’s and lets his fingers slide over Oliver’s as the naughtiest grin came over his face._

_“Oh, you are sick Elio. So sick,” Oliver smiled widely before leaning down and kissing Elio._

Oliver woke up with a start and sat up in his bed. It felt so real, he told himself as he scratched over his chest. He looked down almost willing Elio to be there wrapped around him. Oliver scrubbed his face and groaned. All at once the throbbing hangover headache hit him and how uncomfortable he was in his pants. The dream affected him, but also reminded him just how lonely he was, waking up in a cold and empty apartment.

 

Oliver threw off the covers, got out of bed and headed to the bathroom to relieve himself. Afterward he went over to his desk and looked at his schedule. Justin had track practice and needed to be picked up at 7. He’d had hope to take Justin to dinner and discuss what happened at school the previous day. It would be nearly impossible to get anything out of him though because both him and Oliver’s older son Michael were upset with him over the divorce. Julia blurted out to the boys that her and Oliver were getting a divorce because Oliver was gay. Before Oliver could process what she had said, his sons threw questions at him. Michael became so angry he stormed out of their apartment while Justin just went to his room and shut the door. Oliver tried to set up therapy sessions to talk with them, but both refused to go. Oliver was able to get visitation with Justin but with Michael having turned 18 that February, he opted out. Oliver hadn’t talked to him since his high school graduation and that was barely a few words. Michael didn’t even allow Oliver to drive up with Justin and Julia to take him to college over the summer. Oliver was so crushed he barely got out bed for a week.

 

Oliver sent a quick email to Justin confirming that he would be picking him up later, and cc’ed Julia so that she was aware what the plan was. Oliver pushed himself from his desk and headed back to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

 

100 blocks downtown Elio sat in his kitchen reading his newspaper over his breakfast. He got up early to do his normal run and to pick up the paper. After showering and changing into his work clothes, he fixed himself his usual breakfast of a spinach egg white omelet and expresso. Elio skipped the political section and went straight for the arts section and scanned through what the current events were. There was a reading later that evening at a local bookstore of a new book by a French author he liked. The movie _Amelie_ was returning to a local small theater that played movies that were already out on DVD. It would be there all week, playing in the evenings. There was also a charity event where local photographers displayed their work in the effort to raise funds to keep the doors open of a community center that helped homeless LGBT youth. Elio continued to read through the list and added them to his head of possible places he could ask Oliver to. Was he making date plans with someone who he couldn’t date?

 

Both Elio and Oliver arrived at their respective workplaces around the same time except Elio was in a cheerful mood, while Oliver was not himself. He was up early from the dream and decided to leave for work earlier so that he could use the gym facilities on campus. Usually a good run would help him center himself. It helped him a little, but he worried about seeing his son later.  He didn’t want to think about the rejection he might face so instead he thought about seeing Elio later, and then of course the dream came to mind. Oliver thought about Elio often, but this was the first time he had a dream about him in years; well a sexual one anyway. He had put those thoughts out of his head for good he thought. It didn’t help seeing Elio recently though. All he could think about was taking him somewhere and having his way with him. Whew. Oliver shook his head and headed to his office where he was still finishing up some of the assignments for the term.  

 

Elio continued going through his own paperwork when his computer dinged alerting him to a new email. He clicked on it and saw that there was an opening in the piano lab for this afternoon at 4pm. The pianos were just finished being maintained for the beginning of the term and ready to be used. This would probably be the only time he would be able to get time in there before classes started. He called Oliver soon after to inform him and the date was set. Elio felt like something was wrong with how Oliver sounded on the phone, but figured it was probably work related. Elio took a breath and set back in his chair. Now the wait was on.

 

Oliver received an email from Julia just before Elio called him about the piano meet up. Julia had informed him that Justin didn’t feel comfortable with him picking him up from school with what happened the day before, so she was going to pick him up. Oliver called her immediately, but she wouldn’t let him get a word in before informing him she had to go into a meeting and couldn’t talk. Oliver felt so angry but mostly hurt that his own son wouldn’t even return an email to him and used his mother to communicate with him. This was beginning to be too much for Oliver.

 

By the time Oliver arrived on campus and met Elio at the department, he could barely look up. He felt so dejected.

 

“Hey Oliver,” Elio greeted warmly.

“Oh, hey Elio,” he responded barely making eye contact with Elio.

“Are you okay?”

“Yea,” he barely got out. “Work stuff. You know the usual.”

“Oh, okay. I’m not keeping you from something important, am I? I could get another time slot…”

“No, no,” Oliver looked at him now and smiled. “It’s alright. Take me to the lab.”

 

Elio nodded and led the way into the department. Elio signed them both in and walked toward the piano he reserved.

 

“Here where are,” Elio took his seat and Oliver went to sit next to him on the long bench.

“Is it okay I sit here?”

“Sure,” Elio smiled up to him. “I wouldn’t want you standing the entire time.”

“Of course,” Oliver returned an awkward smile.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You seem different.” Elio wanted to facepalm. How would he know if Oliver was acting weird or not?

“It’s nothing really,” Oliver reassured him and reached out his hand to pat Elio’s elbow. It wasn’t though. He was thinking about Justin and every time he ran the situation through his mind, all he came up with was him losing out on a relationship with his son.

 

 

Elio nodded and did a quick warm up before turning back to Oliver.

 

“Did you want to hear something specific?” Oliver’s mind switch gears once he heard Elio play.  His eyes were locked on Elio’s fingers as they glided effortlessly over the keys. It instantly took him back to the early mornings at the villa before he and Elio started seeing each other. He’d hear Elio warming up and then playing a piece.

“I dunno,” Oliver stuttered. “Maybe that piece you teased me about all those years ago?” Oliver blurted that out before he realized what he was saying.

“Hmm. I don’t think I remember that one,” Elio replied. He remembered it of course. He just couldn’t play it without wanting to do something to Oliver right after. It would bring back too many memories.

“Okay,” Oliver replied. “How about something you’ve been working on?”

“Sure.”

 

Elio nodded and turned back around to the piano and let his fingers do the work. Oliver tried to focus on Elio’s playing, but his son kept coming to mind. As he listened to the soft notes Elio played, all his fears surrounding his sons came to mind. Would they ever talk to him again? Would they understand what happened between him and Elio? Did Oliver even understand what happened with Elio and what he was feeling now? How would he tell his family?

 

Elio became entranced into his own music, running through the notes as each one reminded him of what he was thinking about when he wrote it.  He felt pride in his heart as he flowed through the notes and all of what he imagined the piece would be came to fruition. When he completed the piece, he couldn’t help but smile, that is until he turned around and looked at Oliver. He had tears streaming down his face.

 

“Oliver?” Elio spoke interrupting Oliver’s thoughts. He was so lost in thought that he hadn’t realized his face was wet. “Are you okay? You’re crying.”

“Oh,” Oliver wiped his face quickly. “I’m fine, I’m fine,” he smiled nervously. “That was beautiful Elio.” Elio looked at him, not convinced by his words.

“You liked it?”

“I did. It was really good Elio. How long have you been working on it?” Oliver continued to wipe his face and sat up straighter. He tried to shake his thoughts and focus on Elio, but the façade was slipping.

“A few months,” Elio replied as he lifted an eyebrow. “I don’t believe you by the way.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re distracted by something. Talk to me.”  Elio turned from the piano and straddled the bench to face Oliver. He ran his hand through his hair and focused on him, waiting for him to speak.

“Elio,” he sighed and shook his head. “It’s nothing Elio. It’s fine.”

“It’s not Oliver, don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying,” Oliver responded exasperated. “I don’t want to do this,” Oliver got up and started to head to the door. Elio sprung up from his seat and grabbed his elbow. Oliver spun around and came face to face with Elio.

“I’m fine,” Oliver said through his teeth, but that didn’t stop his eyes from welling up.

“Oliver,” Elio whispered. It scared him seeing Oliver like this, especially with him not knowing why. “What’s going on?” Elio approached him with his hands up in mock surrender.

“I’m,” Oliver shook his head as his voice choked. “I’m,” Oliver turned around as he tried to hold the emotion in. Elio walked around him and crowded his space. “Elio, please, just…” and the gates opened. Oliver broke down right there in front of Elio. Elio took his arm and guided him back to the bench to sit down. Elio sat across from his with his hand on Oliver’s knee.

“Oliver please tell me what’s going on.” Oliver took a few big breaths as he tried to calm himself and looked up at Elio staring at him with a look of concern. He looked like he was about to cry himself.

“It’s my sons,” Oliver confessed as he looked down at his hands. “They’re just growing up and not talking to me as much.” Oliver didn’t have the nerve to tell Elio the complete truth.

“Did something happen recently?”

“Justin got into a fight at school and he won’t talk to me about it. And Michael has just been so quiet since he left for college.”

“I’m so sorry Oliver.” Elio moved his hand onto Oliver’s shoulder and traced patterns there with his thumb. For a moment he thought about his dad and how their relationship changed after Oliver left that summer. Elio felt like he could confide in his father about anything and the advice he received in return was priceless.

“I didn’t expect for things to change so quickly with them. Just yesterday they followed me around everywhere and now they’re these complex human beings who won’t talk to me.” Oliver smiled bitterly before wiping his face again. He wished he could have told Elio the complete truth and gotten an opinion on how to talk to the boys about Elio. He wished Julia didn’t hate him and wanted to make this situation work out. She could make this situation better instead of blaming him for everything.

“What does Julia think about all of this?” And Elio addressed the elephant in the room he didn’t even know existed.

“They talk to her, so she doesn’t understand,” he responded. It was the truth. They do speak to her, but Elio doesn’t know why.

“Oh. That’s interesting. I mean I love my mom, but the relationship I had with my dad, I wouldn’t change that for anything. He understood me so well. Probably more than I understood myself.”

Elio sat back and took his hands to himself and he thought about his dad. It had been 3 years since he passed away and Elio felt the loss every day.

“Your dad was an amazing father. He gave me sound advice over the years. Almost like a second dad. I could only wish to be as good to my sons as he was to you.”

“Yea,” Elio looked up and smiled. Oliver sat there and remembered how accepting Mr. Perlman was when he found out about Oliver’s relationship with his son. He remembered over the years when he spoke to him how he’d always congratulate him on his successes.  Mr. Perlman was indeed a remarkable man.

 

Elio cleared his throat before rubbing the back of his neck.

 

“My time is almost up. Why don’t we get a coffee or something before you have to head back uptown?”

“Sure Elio. That would be great.” Oliver gave him a soft smile before standing up from the bench.  Elio set everything back to how it was before and led Oliver out of the room and ultimately out of the building.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your continued support. I took some time to read the source material and once again I'm falling in love with this book!
> 
> Please enjoy!

Oliver and Elio had their coffee at the coffee shop outside of NYU and then went their separate ways. Oliver was so embarrassed about what happened with Elio and in his personal life, that he decided to keep to himself and try to figure out what to do with Justin on his own. Elio had called him the next day and emailed him several times before Oliver told him he needed some time away. He instantly felt bad, but Elio was understanding and told him to email him or call when he was feeling better. Elio only knew part of what Oliver was going through, and for Oliver he felt it would get even harder to keep the truth from him if he kept seeing Elio while under distress.

 

The fall term started that next week and Elio quickly became engrossed in his class work while Oliver did the same. Oliver decided to consult with Justin’s school counselor to arrange a meeting. Oliver had to start somewhere. It wasn’t easy at first to get Justin into the counselor’s office. Justin didn’t show up twice to the scheduled meetings and one time Julia intervened to prevent it. She wasn’t happy that Oliver wanted these meetings, and felt that needed to go through court. Oliver knew she was being difficult to just be difficult. Finally, a few weeks into the school year the school counselor managed to get Justin to agree to talk to Oliver.

 

“Good morning, Mr. Cohen,” Mr. Callahan the school counselor greeted Oliver. “Good morning, Justin.”

“Good morning,” both Oliver and Justin responded.

“I’ve brought you here Justin because your father requested a meeting with you to discuss a few things. I know your parents are going through a divorce and it can be difficult.  Justin, you and I have been speaking since last school year about this and you expressed you wished you could speak to you father.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Oliver whispered to Justin.

“Dad,” Justin started but then stopped as he looked up to Mr. Callahan.

“Why don’t I suggest some topics you two can discuss?”

“Okay,” Oliver agreed, and Justin nodded.

“So, Justin, you told me it would be okay if I mentioned some of the things you were concerned with, to your father. Is that still okay?” Justin looked up and nodded. “Alright. Last year when your parents first told you about the divorce, your mother mentioned one of the reasons why they decided to divorce was because your father was gay. You brought that up a few times with me. Why don’t you ask your father about that now that he is sitting here?”

 

When Mr. Callahan mentioned the part about Oliver being gay, his heart nearly stopped. He hadn’t prepared himself for that talk with Justin. Hell, he wasn't ready for that talk with himself.  Oliver couldn’t honestly answer the question whether he was gay or not. Sure, he experimented with guys in college and had the relationship with Elio, but that was as far as he went. Despite his feelings for Elio, Oliver decided to create a life with Julia and honor that promise he made to her.

 

“Dad,” Justin began, and Oliver snapped back into reality.

“Yes Justin?”

“Um, do you still love mom?” Justin’s eyes glistened with unshed tears, and then he looked down. Oliver moved his chair closer to him and put his arm around him.

“I never stopped loving your mom,” Oliver whispered to his son. He tightened his arm around him and attempted to move closer.  Justin sat up and push himself away.

“Then why are you doing this to her? To us?”

“I’m not doing anything Justin. It wasn’t my decision to do this.”

“Mom said you were gay and were having affairs with your colleagues. She cries about it all the time.” Oliver became angry at his son’s words but held it in for his son’s sake.

“That’s not true Justin and I honestly wished she had talked to you and Michael with me present.”

“She said you would lie.”

“Justin,” Oliver raised his voice a little but brought it down. “Have I ever lied to you?”

“No,” Justin shook his head, but then cut himself off. “I don’t know dad. You had those feelings for so long and didn’t tell mom about them. You could be lying about other things to me and Michael.”

“Justin,” Oliver began as he looked at his son. “I love you. I love your brother. When I made a commitment to your mother and later decided with her to have you two, I meant it. Nothing else mattered at that point because I made those decisions and intended on living them out.”

“If you knew you were gay, why did you marry mom? Why didn’t you just be gay?” Oliver’s head was spinning with how blunt Justin was. He didn’t feel like he was ready to talk about these things, but his son deserved answers.

“I had some feelings before I married your mother, but they weren’t important when I married her. I wasn’t acting on them.”

“What does that mean you had some feelings before you married mom?”

Oliver took a deep breath and looked around the room before looking back at Justin.

“I experimented in college.” Oliver looked down now, his cheeks getting hot. He never really spoke about this to anyone. Julia didn’t even know this part for sure. She became angry whenever they tried to talk about it.

“Why?”

“Because that’s what you do sometimes when you’re trying to figure yourself out.”

“So, you weren’t sure if you liked guys or girls?”

“Maybe.” Oliver wiped his face and then reached into his bag for his bottle of water.

“Mom said you had some relationship with the son of that family you lived with in Italy. When you were doing your doctorate.”

 

Oliver sat there for a minute as Elio was brought up. He didn’t want to speak about his relationship with Elio. It was private. He didn’t feel right discussing it anyway, because of how he felt about Elio. He would want to tell Elio first before he told anyone else.  

 

“It was a summer thing.”

“You kept up with his accomplishments over the years and you visited him when you went to Europe the summer before. I think I remember when we were kids and you read us those long articles. Mom said they were his.”

 

Oliver couldn’t believe how much he son wanted to know, but suspected Julia had something to do with this. They were so young when Oliver would read Elio’s academic journals to them. It was more for his enjoyment, but the boys followed him everywhere, so he shared it with them. What would have been a harder question to answer would be if Justin mentioned the music Oliver played for them growing up. A lot of it were pieces Elio played that summer, and music related to it. Julia didn’t even know. Oliver definitely didn’t want to discuss that.

 

“Yes I saw him that summer. His father died recently, and I wanted to visit him and his mother.”

“Had you seen him before that?”

“Yes.  In the 90’s when he taught at NYU.”

“So, were you having a secret relationship or something?” Oliver shook his head and he tried to control his anger. This was going too far.

“Justin, honestly. I don’t know where these questions are coming from, but do you really want these answers or are you doing this for your mother?”

Justin looked down at his hand and became quiet. Mr. Callahan cleared his throat and kept his gaze between Justin and Oliver.

 

“Why don’t you tell him how all of this is making you feel Justin? Maybe that would be a better topic to discuss right now.”

 

Justin nodded as he swallowed and looked over at Oliver.

“I’m sorry,” he started. “This is all confusing and seeing mom the way she is now is hard. We were all so happy literally yesterday, and now I have scheduled visits with you. I have to deal with people who where my friends last year call you a faggot because somehow their parents found out why you and mom are divorcing. I have no one to talk to about this.”

“You can talk to me Justin.”

“No, I can’t dad!” Justin raised his voice with a strained look on his face. “You don’t understand what this is like going through this.”

“I’m sorry Justin.”

“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to mom. Try to get back with her. Do something. Just make this right.” Justin’s head fell into his hands and he started to cry.

“It’s not that simple Justin. I’m sorry. It just isn’t.”

 

Oliver sat there, resting his chin on his hand as he leaned forward onto his bouncing knee. He couldn’t bear seeing Justin like this. He was helpless to resolve this issue. He tried to lean over to hold his son, but Justin swatted him away.

 

“Alright, I think we should stop for now,” Mr. Callahan spoke to both of them as he handed Justin a box of tissues.

 

“Okay,” Oliver nodded.

 

“We can meet next week if you’re available Mr. Cohen.”

 

“I am. I can meet with you two anytime next week.”

 

After Justin stopped crying and excused himself to the bathroom to wash his face, he returned to class. Oliver had hugged him briefly and told him he’d call him later.  Oliver sat for a few minutes as Mr. Callahan looked through his calendar to schedule the appointment.

 

“How is next Wednesday, same time.”

 

“Sounds good,” Oliver nodded, and Mr. Callahan penciled in the date.

 

“Mr. Cohen, I’m going to send an email to Ms. Reynolds about the meeting next week. We need her to participate with you and Justin.”

“Is it possible we wait a little bit. It took so long to get Justin to open up to me. He doesn’t even come to my apartment for visitation. Since the school year started a few weeks ago, he hasn’t talked to me. Only through his mother, has he communicated with me.”

 

Mr. Callahan started to rub his chin and let Oliver’s request sink in before responding.

 

“Alright. We’ll play it by ear. Eventually though we need her here.”

“Okay.”

 

Oliver went back to work after his meeting with Justin and the counselor and put himself on auto pilot. He had two classes in the afternoon and then office hours after that. He wanted his work day to end as soon as possible so that he could head home and call Justin and try Michael again. He had attempted to contact Michael a few times, but only got his voicemail on both his cell phone and his dorm phone. Oliver contacted student services at Michael’s school and tried to set up something with them, but they could only send a suggestion to Michael.  He was an adult and couldn’t be forced into any meeting that wasn’t related to his academics. Julia took care of everything else, so the school didn’t really have a reason to intervene or act on Oliver’s request.

 

When the work day was over, Oliver finally found himself at home with a large cup of tea and a list of questions he wanted to ask Justin. He left the meeting earlier feeling nervous about what if any reaction Julia would have when Justin went home. Julia hadn’t left any voicemails or emails for Oliver, so for a minute he felt safe.  

 

Oliver tried Justin but the phone just rang. After calling back a third time, Oliver decided to leave a message and try again the next day.

 

_Hi Justin, it’s your dad. I just wanted to check on you after speaking with you earlier. I’m sorry you feel you have to deal with this alone. I don’t want you to deal with this alone. I don’t know how it feels to have divorcing parents, but I do know how it feels to go through something you don’t quite understand. I love you Justin and I’ll try again tomorrow. Good night._

 

Oliver hung up the phone and picked up his mug to take a sip. The tea was good, but he wished he had something stronger to take the edge off. He didn’t want to make that a habit so after that first night of him drinking away his sorrows, he got rid of all the alcohol in the house. To cope, he’s been reading everything he can get his hands on about children and divorce. He didn’t even start the search for books on discussing sexuality with your children. He was still figuring that part out.

 

Oliver eventually went back to his paperwork from school and started going through a short essay assignment he’d assigned last week that he was almost finished grading. His head was buried in an interesting interpretation of freedom and moral responsibility when his computer made a sound. Oliver looked up and saw it was a new email. When he examined it closer, he saw that it was from Elio. He immediately felt guilty for how he had been treating him the last few weeks in an effort to focus on his sons. Elio had written before in a previous email that he understood Oliver’s need for privacy.

 

Oliver clicked on the computer and opened the email. He couldn’t hide the smile that came across his face as he read Elio’s message and looked at the attached photo. It was sweet and made him feel better. Just what he needed.

 

_Hey Oliver,_

_I know you’re taking some time away, but I wanted to send you this picture my mother sent me the other day. She was cleaning out a bookshelf in the villa and came across this. I hope things are going well and that I get to see you soon. We need to catch up._

_All the best,_

_Elio_

 

The picture was of them sitting at the breakfast table outside the villa. Elio was slicing open the top of a soft-boiled egg for Oliver, while Oliver drank from a large glass of apricot juice. The expression on Elio’s face made him smile the most. It was a small grin with his tongue sticking out a bit in concentration. Looking at his own face all he could see was satisfaction from the apricot juice, or perhaps something else.  Suddenly he had a craving for apricot juice and something else. Realizing he had none of the latter, he decided to go for the other thing he craved.

 

Oliver stood up and leafed through his cd collection that was in a large black book that sat on the top of a short bookcase. When he found what he needed he took it out and placed it in the stereo in the living room. He closed his eyes and instantly he was taken back to Northern Italy, 1983.


	6. Chapter 5

“Do you know who took that picture?” Oliver asked. “I can’t get over how young we look.” Oliver sat at his desk looking over the picture again.

“My father did,” Elio responded. “He’d take a picture or two of the summer residents to keep as memories. He must not have put that picture in the album my parents kept.”

 

Oliver thought for a moment about those mornings where he’d sit down with the Perlman’s. What he would do to go back to that time and enjoy one more breakfast with them.

 

“Hey Elio?”

“Yea Oliver,” Elio responded as he pressed the phone closer to his face. He had been sitting on his couch reading through some essays when his phone rang.

“I know I said I needed some time to deal with some things, but I was wondering if you were busy this Saturday?”

“I’m practicing in the morning, but I’ll be available after 2.”

“That works for me. Do you want to get something to eat?”

“Sure.”

 

Elio hung up the phone with a smile wider than it had been since he last saw Oliver. He thought he wouldn’t see Oliver until after the semester was over, but his luck seemed to have changed. Oliver on the other hand was barely making it through the week after meeting with Justin and leaving messages for Michael. Oliver received a response from Julia and of course she was pissed about the meeting and all of Oliver’s responses to Justin’s questions. She called him during his break between classes at work and gave him an earful. She knew Oliver couldn’t respond like he would have wanted to because of where he was.

 

Later that night when he tried to call her back, she refused to pick up the phone. Oliver was pulling his hair out until his phone rang again. He thought it was Julia finally acting like the adult she pretended to be, but instead it was Michael. Oliver was happy for about two minutes until Michael told him not to call him anymore. He was angry at his father, but also at his mother. That was a development. Michael needed some space to figure things out and then hung up the phone. Oliver was crushed and while trying to cheer himself up he came across Elio’s picture again and decided to give Elio a call.

 

When Saturday arrived, Oliver spent the morning at the gym, working off all the stress of the week. He told himself that he’d get through that workout and then go home and change. He’d spend the afternoon with Elio and forget if only for a little while, all the headaches he had dealt with during the week.

 

“Hi Elio, I’m about to leave to come pick you up. Are you ready?” Oliver paced his apartment as he waited for Elio to respond. He heard some voices in the background and figured he was finishing up at the piano lab.

 

“About that,” Elio hesitated. “I need to reschedule today.”

“Oh, are you too busy?” Oliver’s voice dipped as he tried not to sound too disappointed.

“It’s not that. I forgot I had private lessons this afternoon. I could have sworn they started next week. I won’t be able to see you until around 6. Is that okay?”

“It’s fine Elio,” Oliver released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks Oliver. I’ll make it up to you I promise.”

“You don’t have to. It’s an honest mistake.” Oliver ran his hand through his hair as he told himself that it wasn’t a cancellation and that it wasn’t the end of the world. There was plenty of time left in the day to see him, and they could still make plans going forward.

“No, no.” Elio shook his head as he held the phone. “You know what Oliver. I’m going to make dinner for you tonight and then we can catch a movie. Maybe order something in so we don’t have to rush around for reservations or movie times. How does that sound?”

“That sounds nice,” Oliver smiled. “I look forward to it.”

“Thank you so much. Just meet me at my house at 6.”

“Sounds great.”

“You’re the best Oliver. I’ll see you later.”

 

Heat rushed to Oliver’s face as he smiled and then hung up the phone. He couldn’t stop smiling and shaking his head. He felt like a schoolboy being looked at by his crush. It felt good feeling this way again. Very good actually.

 

Later that evening, Oliver found himself at Elio’s door about to ring the doorbell. He held a bottle of wine he had picked up on the way, as a gift for Elio. He was nervous and tried to hold it in, but his foot wouldn’t stop tapping.

 

“Oliver! You made it,” Elio pulled him in and gave him a hug. He took the bottle of wine and walked further into the townhome. Oliver looked around as he took in Elio’s space. There was an open concept kitchen in front of him when he walked in and a dining/living room on the other side. Soft music played in the background and the smell of garlic wafted throughout the house. Oliver spotted a pot on the stove and assumed whatever was in it was dinner. Elio placed the wine in the wine cooler on the counter and welcomed Oliver in.

 

“You finally came to my house,” Elio grinned. “Let me give you the tour.”

 

Elio took him through the dining/living room and then down the hallway where the bathroom and the guest bedroom were. Elio led him upstairs after and showed him the two bedrooms and bathroom up there.

 

“Very nice Elio. This place must have been a fortune.”

“Well it’s worth a lot now, but my parents bought it in 1980 from the family of a former summer resident. He credits my father for helping and inspiring him to write novels. He’s been on the New York Times Best Seller list a few times. He’s an English professor now in California.”

“Oh wow.  Do you remember him?” Oliver didn’t mean to let his mind wonder to a place of jealousy. He knew there couldn’t have been any type of relationship between Elio and that other man. He was surely a child at the time he was there for the summer. He’s thought of Elio being a kid with unruly curly hair and bright eyes following around an academic and asking him what books he was reading. Oliver imagined Elio asking for assignments from him or showing him how well he played the piano. Why was Oliver jealous of Elio childhood relationships?

“No actually,” Elio shook his head. “I was about 10 that summer and I stayed with my grandparents in France. They liked to have me for summers when I was younger. I liked it too. I only have good memories of their house, my grandmother feeding me until I couldn’t move, and my grandfather showing me the tricks he taught their dog Ruby.”

“Oh,” Oliver smiled. “That sounds amazing. I can imagine how cute you must have been,” Oliver smiled but ducked down when he noticed Elio’s cheeks reddening.

“I guess,” Elio cleared his throat. “I think I was pretty annoying,” he laughed. “My grandparents just loved me,” Elio smiled with a shrug.

 

Oliver went to interject when Elio walked back near the stove.

 

“Speaking of my grandparents, I decided to make my grandmother’s favorite dish; Ratatouille.”

“So that’s what smells so good?” Oliver smiled as he walked closer to the kitchen island.

“Bingo,” Elio laughed. “And it looks about done. Are you ready to eat?”

“I’m ready.”

 

Elio plated the dish on two white plates he handed to Oliver to bring over to the dining room table. Elio followed him with the wine, the corkscrew, and two wine glasses. After setting down the glasses he opened the wine and began to pour. Oliver took his seat as Elio handed him his glass.

 

“Bon Appetit Oliver.”

“Bon Appetit Elio.”

 

Oliver was surprised how good the dish turned out and had to slow down not to embarrass himself with how much he was enjoying the meal. Elio gave him a small smile as he ate his portion and attempted not to stare at Oliver eat his food. It was something enjoyable, and in Elio’s case toward Oliver; erotic, to watch someone you care about eat your food.

 

“Would you like more Oliver. There’s plenty.”

I know myself; Oliver told himself, but he ignored it. Tonight, he was going to indulge himself.

“Yes please.”

 

Elio took his plate and put it in the sink before filling a new one with another portion.

 

“This is really good Elio. You must tell me the recipe.”

“Maybe,” Elio smiled. “It’s a secret recipe passed down from generation to generation.” Elio grinned and he picked up a piece of eggplant with his fork.

“I’m sort of the next generation,” Oliver tried not to laugh. “Well maybe lateral generation because we’re friends.”

“ _Nous verrons_ ,” Elio smiled again. “ _We shall see._ ”

 

Soon both men had their fill of food and drink and moved to the couch to pick something from Pay Per View to watch. Oliver felt full and happy as he settled against the comfortable couch that had more pillows than he had seen since visiting his own grandmother years ago. It was comfortable none the less, so he laid back and propped his feet on the ottoman in front of him.

 

“Any movie in particular you wanted to see Oliver?”

“Not really. What’s new?”

 

Elio rambled off the list of action, drama, comedy, and documentary titles he came across on the list. Then he went on to discover the horror, science fiction, and romance titles in the next list.

“Nothing scary,” Elio protested when Oliver joked about wanting to see something about serial killers.

“It’s informative Elio. I thought you liked informative movies,” Oliver teased.

“I do but these movies are gory for the sake of being gory.”

“Some are okay.”

“I honestly haven’t seen many past the trailers. I much prefer a documentary or a foreign film.”

“It’s the weekend Elio. I don’t want to learn or read,” he laughed.

“You think you’re so funny,” Elio tried to stifle a laugh as he looked over at Oliver leaning back on his couch with his hands folded in his lap. Oliver looked happier than he had seen him recently and the small dimple in his cheek was showing. Elio hadn’t seen that in ages.

 

“So, what do you want Elio?” Oliver didn’t mean for that to come out as deep as it had, but he couldn’t resist. Elio was looking at him. But not like he usually looked at him. Elio’s mouth was parted, and his pupils were a lot larger than normal. Was he drunk or? Elio smiled a little before inching closer to Oliver, and without warning he leaned in closer, closer, until…

 

“Elio?” Elio’s eyes shot opened wider when Oliver’s voice brought him out of his haze. He was merely inches away from Oliver’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Elio looked down. His heart was beating faster, and he shook his head trying to realize what he almost did.

“It’s, it’s…” Oliver stuttered as he realized how close Elio was to his face. “Did you just try to…”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Elio apologized again. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“Elio it’s okay.”

“It’s not Oliver.” Elio lifted his head and noticed Oliver’s expression on his face. He looked shocked. “I’m so sorry. So sorry.” Elio stood up now as he backed away from Oliver and back into the kitchen. Oliver followed him with his hands up in mock surrender as he tried to calm Elio down. His own heart was racing as he tried to comprehend what just almost happened.

“Elio just breath. It’s okay.”

“It’s so not okay Oliver,” Elio blinked hard and tried to catch his breath. “You’re married. You’re a happily married man with two sons and me, I’m just, I’m just…”

“You’re my friend Elio.”

“I’m a horrible person Oliver. I tried to kiss my married friend.”

“It’s okay Elio. Nothing happened. You didn’t mean to do anything. You just got carried away with the teasing. And we had wine…” Oliver tried to explain to Elio, but it felt like he was talking more to himself because he was upset he had stopped it. Looking at Elio’s mouth coming closer to him almost made he faint.

 

“No Oliver. It’s more than that. It’s so much more.”

“Elio…”

“Oliver. I still,” Elio began. “I still have feelings for you.”

 

What? Oliver shook his head and stood there supporting himself on the island. He tried to speak but the words wouldn’t leave his mouth. His mouth opened and closed like a fish, as he remembered back almost ten years ago when Elio visited him after his lecture. Elio wouldn’t meet Oliver’s family back then because of his feelings and Oliver had thought it was silly. Now he wished he could tell him that it was okay that he still had feelings because he still had them too.

 

“After all this time?”

“Yes,” Elio answered as he ran his hands through his wild curls. “Pretty silly huh? A 21-year-old childhood crush. I should just get over it,” Elio scoffed and turned around to fiddle with the pot on the stove.

“It’s not silly Elio.”

“It is,” Elio nodded his head. “I should have moved on by now. Like you. You moved on.” Elio turned around at the last bit and stared at Oliver there who still couldn’t form a more thorough response.

_TELL HIM! TELL HIM! TELL HIM!_

Oliver screamed in his head, but something held him back.

 

“It’s okay Elio really,” Oliver scratched his head. “That summer meant a lot to you, to both of us. It changed us.”

 

“It changed me for sure. I can’t get you out of my head.”

 

Elio’s words nearly knocked Oliver down. No response came out of him though.

 

 

“To be completely honest Oliver, I haven’t been the same since you left. I can’t be with anyone else without thinking of you.”

 

What was he saying? Oliver could barely digest it.

 

“I had relationships that started out fine. I was the perfect boyfriend but sooner or later, he or she wasn’t good enough. They weren’t you Oliver. They couldn’t measure up. Literally. I once left a guy I was dating because I couldn’t get over how short he was. He was 6’1! You’re 6’5 and at that time I needed someone 6’5.” Elio tried to smile as tears welled up in his eyes.

 

“And a woman I dated, I thought I’d love her forever and settle down, but one day I had a hard day at work, and she wanted to hold me to help me relax. All I could think about were the times you’d hold me down on the bed where I couldn’t move, and you’d do things to my body I couldn’t describe. I wanted that, and she couldn’t do it, so I left her.”

 

“Elio?” Oliver whispered not believing what he heard.

 

“And then with Julian,” Elio choked back tears. “I thought he finally got through and cleared out of the last of ‘all things Oliver’ in my heart and moved ‘all things Julian’ in. I loved him Oliver. More than anyone before. Even close to as much as I loved you. He was perfect for me. He was smart, he loved music, he loved my parents, he made love to me like I was the only living thing on this planet. But I threw it all away when I saw you the summer before and it all moved right back in.” Elio slapped his chest where he heart was and let the tears flow.

 

“Elio,” Oliver whispered again as he began to approach Elio. He wanted to pull him close and in his arms. He wanted to comfort him, but Elio kept backing up.

 

“No, no.” Elio said instead of accepting the attempted hug. “You should go Oliver.”

“Elio, please. Let’s talk about this.”

“We can’t Oliver. We can’t.” Elio wiped his face and started to walk toward Oliver. “You should go. Please. Just go.”

 

Oliver stood there his heart breaking as he looked down at Elio. Elio was shaking and tears still ran down his face. Oliver tried to speak again but he was frozen. It was like the prince in Mrs. Perlman’s book. He couldn’t speak so did he mean he was going to die? Something in his chest sure felt like it did.

 
    
    
      
    


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I hit a rough patch but reading the source material, watching the movie again, and seeking some other inspiration I got back into my groove. Thanks for being patient.

On the way home, all Oliver thought about was Elio. His attempt to kiss Oliver, and his reaction afterward. Oliver wanted to console him and tell him the truth, but in the moment he was so shocked he could barely get out a complete sentence. Oliver was in such deep thought that he almost missed his stop on the subway and had to nearly jog out before the doors closed on him. As he walked up the stairs and came out on Broadway, he had an idea on what to do with Elio.

 

Downtown, Elio sat in his apartment as he recovered from the emotional episode with Oliver. The longer he sat there, the more he realized he shouldn’t have asked Oliver to leave. Maybe they should have discussed what happened. Elio knew it was wrong to make a pass at his married friend and he apologized. Elio felt a little embarrassed about telling Oliver his feelings and that he had him on his mind all the time, for the last 21 years. Did that sound creepy? Elio’s face flushed as he remembered telling Oliver about his past relationships and how they didn’t measure up. How did that even sound like to Oliver, he wondered? He was married with children and now some _boy_ he had a summer romance over 20 years ago, just told him he still cared about him.

 

Elio went into the downstairs bathroom and washed his face. He stared at his reflection; still red eyes, bags caused from the start of the semester, and possibly some gray hairs around his ears. He looked and felt worn out.

 

After that he went to clean up the kitchen and decided he was done with the day and needed his bed. He’d hoped he’d get the courage up and call Oliver to tell him he was sorry and that he wanted to take his offer up to talk about what happened. Would Oliver let him down easy and still agree to be his friend? Elio hoped it wouldn’t get weird and then they’d drift off from each other again. Elio hated the time they were apart, but knew Oliver wasn’t going to jeopardize his family life for Elio.

 

Elio turned off the lights, headed upstairs, quickly changed into his pajamas and hopped into bed. Oliver paced his apartment at that exact time formulating his plan to talk to Elio. He decided he had to tell him the truth, the whole entire truth. Oliver knew how Elio felt but he didn’t know how he’ll take learning of Oliver’s divorce and especially why it happened. He didn’t want Elio to feel like a rebound or second place. He did pick Julia over Elio all those years ago. Oliver couldn’t’ forgive himself for doing that to Elio. He remembered that Christmas when he told Elio about getting married and how it broke his heart. Elio pretended that it was okay, but it wasn’t. Oliver couldn’t even give him the decency of one last goodbye. He kissed him but it wasn’t how he wanted to kiss him. Oliver wanted to kiss him until he couldn’t breathe, and he wanted him to know that despite him getting married, Elio still had a piece of his heart.

 

Oliver stayed up late into the night thinking about Elio, but his eyes began to droop and knew where he needed to be. When he pulled the covers over his head in his apartment, Elio was waking up for the third time to get a glass of water. He was restless. He needed Oliver.

 

Their Sunday’s came and gone with Elio working on classwork, and Oliver attempting to contact his sons. No answer from either of them, or his wife for that matter who had been so eager to butt in on Justin’s questions and responses to him. Oliver decided instead to think of something else. He sat at his desk and made a list on how he could approach the subject of his divorce with Elio.

 

  1. Just tell him.
  2. TELL HIM!!
  3. Maybe leave out the part where Julia never knew who he truly was.
  4. Go to his house, grab him in your arms and kiss him until he can’t breathe, then tell him.
  5. Send him flowers at work to make him feel better, and then ask to meet up.
  6. Email or leave a voicemail and try not to die of anticipation for his reply.



 

Oliver was busy brainstorming ideas when his doorbell rang. For a moment he thought it could be Elio, but he never gave him his address. He only met him at the university or at his house. Oliver stood up and walked over to the door, the bell ringing twice before he answered.

 

“Can I help you?” Oliver spoke to the person standing outside the door.

“Are you Oliver Cohen?”

“I am.”

“You’ve been served.”

 

The man handed him an envelope that Oliver opened immediately and saw divorce papers.

 

“What?” Oliver looked up and the man just shrugged.

“Can you sign here please.”

 

Oliver looked between the clipboard the man was holding and the envelope in his hand. He took the pen and signed and stared as the man walked away. Oliver couldn’t move as he stood in his doorway with the paperwork. He knew this day was coming but didn’t think it would come so soon. He was torn between his feelings for this situation and the thoughts of Elio he had just minutes ago. He shook his head and stepped back into his apartment.

 

Oliver sat at his desk and opened the packet which revealed the petition for divorce as well as some other documents. Oliver kept on reading and nearly threw the stack of papers across the room. Julia wanted an order of protection against Oliver which included both Justin and Michael. After that revelation he also read she was seeking full custody of Justin and would request alimony and child support. All of this came at him like a punch in the face.

 

Immediately Oliver reached for his phone and dialed Julia’s number. It rang four times before she picked up.

 

“Hello?”

“Julia you have got to be kidding me.”

“Oh, so you received it.”

“Yes, I received it. What do you mean you want an Order of Protection against me for the children and yourself? I didn’t do anything.” Oliver breathed deeply as he pulled at his hair.  He needed to get some answers to why Julia requested those things.

“Justin and Michael have been seeing a therapist, and so have I. The therapist and I agree that your lifestyle choice is harming them.”

“Justin is seeing a therapist outside of the counselor at school we met with together? I didn’t even know Michael was seeing someone. Why wasn’t I told? Why wasn’t I asked to participate?” Oliver’s face was red hot now and all he could do was pace his apartment for fear he’d break a table or something if he didn’t move.

“They’ve been seeing one ever since you moved out. I started over the summer.”

“But I begged you to go with me so we could figure things out Julia. Why did you do it alone?”

“Oliver,” Julia began. “You want to fix something that is too broken. I don’t want to continue with you. We can’t work on this. You’re gay. I refuse to be married to a gay man and have to worry every time you go out with colleagues or have to attend a conference in another state.”

“Julia,” Oliver raised his voice. “I’ve been faithful to you all these years. Why would you think just because you found out something about my past that it means I would cheat on you? I told you I wanted to make this work.”

“Oliver,” Julia breathed again and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I read them Oliver. I read them all.”

“The letters?” Oliver’s heart dropped but still didn’t understand what she meant. “We went over that already Julia. I explained them already. It was something that happened over that summer. Nothing else happened since.”

 

Both Oliver and Julia huffed through the phone for a minute in silence. Julia was forming her response and Oliver was waiting patiently.

 

“Not the letters Oliver. I read your diary.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t keep a diary.” Oliver vaguely remembered when he was in college that he kept one but that ended after he finished his dissertation, after his summer in Italy.

“You kept one for a few years after we first got married.”  
“I kept work notes but they weren’t in a diary. They were in a planner.”

“Work notes?” Julia laughed before continuing. “When I cleaned your office, I found the letters in a planner, but some of those planners were written it. You kept them for a few years after we got married. I thought they were just that, so I looked at them to go down memory lane and I found the entries.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Oliver began to sweat as he tried to remember if what she was saying was true. Did he write other things in his planners?

“ _I miss the time we would spend in heaven, laying there without a care in the world. I would watch you play guitar or transcribe music and all I could think about was making love to you later. Everyday I wake up wishing you were in bed beside me. I wish I could feel your warm body again. I wish I could feel your…”_

“Okay, okay.” Oliver interrupted her and shook his head.

“So, you wrote this? That one was dated a few months after Michael was born.”

“Yes.” Oliver responded shortly. He felt embarrassed all over again. He had forgotten about what he wrote in those old planners. He thought Julia finding the letters was all he was going to have to address.

“The last one is dated a year after Justin was born.”

“I don’t know why I wrote that.” is all Oliver could respond.

“If you still felt that way after being with me and having the boys, why did you continue our relationship? You should have asked for a divorce then.”

“Because,” Oliver raised his voice. “I wanted to be with you and the boys. I wanted that life.”

“But you’re gay Oliver.”

“I’m not, I’m not,” Oliver stuttered. He never could admit to himself that he was gay or bisexual or whatever. After experimenting and college and being with Elio, especially after being with Elio, he didn’t want anyone else.

“Oliver please. Just be honest so we can move on with this.”

“Elio was the last man I felt anything for, and I’ve never been interested in another man since.”

“Oliver,” Julia sighed. “Whatever your explanation is for your behavior, I honestly don’t care. I don’t want to be married to you anymore and I don’t want the kids around you.”

“You don’t get to decide if the boys are around me or not. My personal life has nothing to do with how I treat them. This should have been discussed in therapy or in court. How can this decision be made without me being there?”

“They’re old enough to make their own decisions. Michael is an adult after all.”

“You know they should have talked to me Julia. I’m still their father. I don’t believe they just want to cut me off like this.”

“Oliver honestly,” Julia huffed through the phone. “I just want this to be done. Just call your lawyer and figure this out. In the meantime, only contact me through mine.”

“Julia I’m not done talking with you.”

“Oliver I have other things to do. Besides I have an order of protection pending against you. You shouldn’t be calling me anyway.”

“You know what Julia. Fine! I’ll call my lawyer and figure this out. But you’re wrong for this. Whatever influence you have over the boys, you’re doing it wrong.”

 

Oliver hung up the phone and put it on his desk. Nervous energy ran throughout his body as he tried to suppress his anger. He wanted to say so many other things to Julia but knew better than to do that. He didn’t want her adding anything else to the petition.

 

After a few minutes of calming down, Oliver sat at his desk and looked through his contacts to find his lawyer. Afterward he called him and left a message with the answering service requesting a meeting next week. Oliver ran his hands through his hair as he tried to put things together in his head. He needed to focus on this action plan and had to temporarily not think about what to do with Elio.

 

Elio sat in his apartment after he finished his classwork, debating what he should do for dinner. He didn’t feel like company or cooking, so he decided to order in his guilty pleasure; Chinese take-out. He didn’t eat like this often, but today warranted a treat. He still couldn’t get Oliver out of head, but that wasn’t much different than any other day since 1983.

 

The work week began with Elio focusing solely on his classes and practicing piano after that. At the same time Oliver focused on work as much as he could while speaking to his lawyer whenever he got a spare minute between classes. They set up a meeting for that Wednesday where Oliver’s lawyer prepared their response to the petition for divorce and the other documents. Oliver tried to control his anger after his lawyer read through the order of protection and the full reasonings behind why Julia and his sons wanted them in the first place.

 

“Inappropriate behavior?” Oliver responded as his lawyer read through the accusations on the court ordered investigation that was placed through family court.

“She’s alleging you brought men around your son and exposed him to your homosexual relationships. As a result of that Justin is depressed and seeing a therapist.”

“Steve, I never brought anyone around him. He was upset because of the divorce and because he found out I had a previous relationship with a man. We were working through that.”

“According to the request, Justin asked for an order of protection because he doesn’t feel safe around you.”

“He doesn’t feel safe around me? What does that even mean? I’ve never hurt him or Michael. This has to be coming from Julia. She is so frustrating.”

“I’m sorry Oliver.”

 

The meeting ended and Oliver headed back to his apartment. He was in a bad mood and just wanted to go right to bed. He didn’t want to think about his lawyer or his soon to be ex-wife. He did want to think about his sons and what was going through their heads. With no communication from them all he could do was speculate.

 

As Oliver sat down with a large cup of tea and something to help him sleep, his cell phone started to ring.

 

_Elio_

“Hello? Elio.” Oliver was relieved to see that he was calling him. For a second all his issues were an afterthought.

“Hi Oliver. How are you?” Elio sat in his living shaking his knee and rubbing his palm on his thigh. He had been going through this conversation with Oliver all day in his head.

“I’ve been better.”

“What’s wrong?” Elio gave him the perfect opportunity to tell him everything, but he didn’t want to do it like that.

“My son and some other things.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Elio swallowed hard as he forced himself to continue. “I’m sorry to call you like this after what happened. I wanted to talk to you face to face, but I don’t trust myself.”

“What’s happened Elio? Are you okay?”

“I’m not actually Oliver. I had to think about some things, my recent behavior and what not.”

“What about your recent behavior? I know we were drinking and maybe a little tired…”

“Oliver it’s not that. I told you something I never thought I would get a chance to tell you and I don’t know how to handle that.”

“That you still have feelings for me after all these years. Nothing is wrong with that. I told you Elio. It’s okay. Actually…”

“Oliver it’s wrong. I shouldn’t have dropped that bomb on you like that. It was bad enough when I saw you ten years ago and refused to meet your family because of my feelings. Now I made a pass at you.”

“Elio it’s fine. Really.”

“How can you say that? How can it be fine? You’re married. I overstepped, I…”

“I’m getting a divorce Elio.”

“A what?”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Feedback is always welcomed!


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